That’s a poem I wrote last year (you can click on the image to read it properly and my friend Colin Walcott created the artpiece). You would think that me being as old as I am (and no, I’m not going to tell you my age), that I would have some clue as to who I am. But that’s not the case, far from it. I have no idea who I am, and so for the last couple of years, I’ve been on an amazing journey of self discovery.
It’s been an interesting trip with so many A-ha and lightbulb moments. These recent moments have caused me to reflect quite a bit, and hence the reason why I haven’t blogged these past couple of days (I’ve missed you too!). I have been really moved by what I have discovered about myself, and I must say that I’m extremely pleased to finally meet myself!
I met with someone this week who has challenged me to look inside myself, asked very thought-provoking questions and also validated a lot of what I’ve been feeling. This has opened up a new way of thinking for me, to really see myself through the eyes of other people. The astonishing discovery I made was that I had a really warped sense of self. I’m not an idiot (although some may seem to think so), I’m not uncaring, weak, unworthy. This is the lens that I have been using when I would look at myself. I’m capable and worth of so much more!
She also recommended some books to read, and right now I’m reading one of them called “The Emotional Abusive Relationship“. This has been instrumental in the lightbulb moments and awakening. I did not realise how many of these types of relationships I’ve subjected myself to over the span of my life so far – from family, to partners, to friends and even coworkers. All the while I thought that I was at fault for the conflict and was not worthy of that relationship. And with every emotionally abusive encounter, my self esteem and worth would be chipped away. The signs of emotional abusive are not very known, and the commonness of it is frightening. At least I’m learning the signs and will be prepared to finally deal with it.
The bit that most peaked my interest was taking the Myers-Briggs test and finding out my personality type, on the recommendation of that individual. I’m an INFJ, which is an “Introverted Intuition with Extroverted Feeling”. I’ve read up quite extensively on this since taking the test and have found out that this personality type is actually rare. All the things I thought that made me crazy, or different from others has now been explained. It’s because of my type. I always felt that people don’t understand me, and this is why. Lately I have felt that only one person “gets” me and I can truly be myself with this individual, who also happens to be an INFJ. Not much surprise there.
So what makes up an INFJ? They intuitively understand people and situations. They are idealistic, highly principled, natural leaders, sensitive and compassionate towards people, service-oriented, future-oriented, and value deep, authentic relationships. They are reserved about expressing their true selves, dislike dealing with details unless they enhance or promote their vision. They are constantly seeking meaning and purpose in everything. They tend to be intense and tightly-wound and can work logically and rationally – use their intuition to understand the goal and work backwards towards it.
So with this new knowledge of me, I am feeling like I am on top of the world. I look around and no longer feel “different” from others, but rather, I feel special. I am better able to see the positives and that life is manageable. For example, this morning as I was walking to the subway station, I was looking at nature and was taking in all the beauty, despite it being cold, frost covered and bare. A minor thing, yet still amazing!
How do you feel about you?