“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.”- Bernice Johnson Reagon
That’s great Bernice, all nice and dandy, but what do you do when you do feel paralyzed? When you feel that you are constantly being knocked down by that ferocious wave? How do you discover who you are then?
This is how I’m presently feeling. I should be used to the difficulties that are part of life by now, because every few weeks it seems as if a storm brews, which causes the choppy waters to create humongous waves. Then the wave comes in, it knocks me down to my knees, and then pulls away all the while I’m lying there in the mud, trying to gather my strength to get up. As soon as I think the storm has cleared, and the waters are calm, I get up only to see another storm brew and I become paralyzed in the spot where I stand. I see the storm come in, and I can’t do anything but just stand there and wait for the wave to knock me down again.
Not a nice image, is it? In other words, I’m struggling. The events which surround me are difficult, and put quite frankly, I’m tired. I’m trying to see the good in all of this. I understand that the events of my life are making me stronger, they are opening up doors for new possibilities, yada yada yada. But I’m tired. I’m so friggin tired.
Winston Churchill says “A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” Well, Winston, it’s easier said than done. What do you do when there is one difficulty right after another. You just seem to get over one hurdle, and three more are thrown to block the way? How many opportunities can you see, or believe you see, until you start to believe that you just have your head in the clouds or delusional?
I know things will get better, there’s no doubt about it. And I know it will take time. I just need to figure out what to do in the meantime. I’m tired and my reserviors are depleting. Please don’t feel sorry for me as it won’t do any good, but thank you anyway. I try to keep in mind William Hastie’s famous quote “Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather, achievement can be all the more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted.” (Have you noticed all the quotes? I like to read them when I’m in this type of mood. They tend to help. 🙂 Get used to it.)
This quote keeps me going, but I’m having problems with patience. I want this all to be over with, I want to move on with my life. I would love to have someone to lean on, to carry part of the load, as it’s getting heavy. Sometimes, despite being surrounded by so many people, I feel so alone, and the load get’s heavier.
I’ve spoken with a friend who has been a major support. This friend is constantly reminding me, that despite all that I’m going through, I’m a good person, a good Mom and doing great. I hear the words, but most times I struggle with believing them. It reminds me of this quote: “I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.” – Hafiz of Persia. I know that my friend feels this way, and I believe it will be only time before boredom and annoyance sets in, before my friend is fed up with having to repeat the words over and over to me.
But at the end of the day, I want someone there with me, anyone, who is able to just give me a hug. Only one thing can free me from all of this. “One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love” – Sophocles.
Right on, Sophocles.