I Gotta Go Julia, We Got Cows

That’s a line from the movie “Twister.”  I love that movie, and it is a great reminder of how erratic life can be.

How is it that your life could change forever with just a blink of an eye.  Everything that you ever knew, believed to be true, would no longer exist.  The fact that you thought your life was ok becomes an unliveable truth.  Even though you were unhappy, you accepted that life would be the way it was, and you became fine with it – complacent.  And then one day, you were shown something different, and you knew deep within your soul, that this new place is where you are meant to be.

Last summer I experienced this.  Looking back, I just now realise how difficult life was for me. I was out of control, living on 5 alarm high alert – constantly.  I thought I was happy, but deep down, somewhere in a dark chamber within my heart, I knew that I was only trying to fool myself. I was not happy, and others new it. I was a mess, a beautiful mess.

Since then, my life has not become any easier. If anything, it has become even more difficult, but the difference is, I’m not trying to swim madly against the current. Rather, I’ve decided to float with the current and enjoy the ride. Of course, sometimes the current is rough and I get knocked up against boulders, I get scratched from the debris at the side of the banks, but I found that if I let myself go just enough, the current guides me. In other words, I have turned myself over to God and have let life guide me.

This is scary. Not freakishly panicking  about the future is alien to me. I don’t mean that I don’t prepare for it, I still come up with plans b, c and d, I sure due, but I don’t let it consume me. Last summer I was not able to go through more than 5 minutes without stressing over my father’s health, my daughter’s well being, school, work, the newly built house, contractors, my failing marriage all at the same time. I felt that I needed to have full control over all of this. How is it even possible? How ridiculous.

So now, my marriage has failed – actually, my marriage has expired and I’ve renewed my passport to life. My father rests peacefully, and although I miss him dearly, I look to him for guidance in the signs I receive rather than dwelling on the fact that I can never have a human conversation with him anymore. My daughter is going through a phoenix process and has died a mini death, and is growing into a bright, beautiful little girl. So much has changed, so much more hardship, so much more BS, but I don’t feel like that spin top heading for the edge of the table. Rather, I feel like I am in the eye of the tornado. I’m standing still, in the calmness, and everything else is spinning around me. Once in a while, the tornado will loosen it’s grip on some of the debris and it will make it’s way to me and knock me over. This is ok because I expect this. I welcome it, and because of this, the impact isn’t so bad.  I’m not denying that it should ever happen, that’s not possible. I’m prepare. That’s key. I don’t worry about it, don’t focus on the bad, but enjoy the beauty of everything spinning.

After the storm, there is a mess left behind. What do you do with it? It’s my decision on how to view it. Is it destruction? Is it disbelief? Should I be angry? Should I feel victimized and cry “why me?”. Sure, of course I do that sometimes – usually when I’m tired and when I’m easily influenced by the opinions of others. But I’m putting in the hard work to rewire my neurons. It’s not destruction, no. It’s a chance to build the life I’ve always wanted. The storm makes way for new opportunities. Gifts you with a clean slate. It gives us another chance at life, all the while giving us strength to get up and built beautiful things with each time it knocks us down. What are you going to design?

 

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One thought on “I Gotta Go Julia, We Got Cows

  1. Wow. I am right there with you in the eye of the storm (getting occasionally knocked over)

    but we are standing!!! Thank you for the encouragement!!!

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