Blorft And Other Things

“I was a little excited but mostly blorft. “Blorft” is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.’ I have been blorft every day for [a long time].” ― Tina Fey, Bossypants

Blorft. What a great word.  And it toally describes what I have been doing for the past few years.  One thing after another would happen, and I’d like “ok, this happened” and I would just plough through it. Just one more thing to look after.

But I find you can only do that so much before your body totally caves in.  And when you reach that point, nothing anybody says can help.  Not “things will get better soon”, or “it’s not that bad”, and my favourite is “it will all work out in the end.” I get it, I know why people say these things.  It’s to give you that hope to keep pushing forward, but what happens when you don’t see any end in sight, or there is no way out?  And what about when you think you’ve hit rock bottom because things can’t possibly get worse, and you believe that you’re on your way up, because things do seem to be getting better, and then all of a sudden you’ve been pushed and you’re plumetting down much further than you have ever been before?  What do you do?

After some thought, I figured it out out a few things that I do.  Most of the time I want to sweep away half of the things I’m expected to do by sleeping as much and as long as I can.  Any moment I can.  But this isn’t possible most times.  I do have a little girl to care for.

Other times, I want to have a very good cry.  Crying to the point where it’s impossible to breathe, where I can’t believe that the sounds I hear are actually coming from me.  And just as much as I want a good cry, I also want a good laugh.   Laughing to the point where my belly aches.

Sometimes I feed my emotional needs by feeding my stomach.  I don’t make the healthiest choices in this state.  Everything I eat usually contains some form of chocolate in it.  And then I get more stressed out because I get wider and I break out in pimples.  Definitely not a good way to cope.

Often times I just want to be left alone in my thoughts.  I go quiet.  I can be in a room full of people, listening to conversation and not contribute at all.  I am just there.

But most of all, what I do is try to slow down my mind.  And how do I do this?

I organize things around the house.

I’m not crazy.  And I’m definitely not a clean freak.  Once I had asked someone to clean after themselves more carefully and they couldn’t understand my strong reaction to what they did.  They couldn’t understand why such as small thing would get to me that much.  They couldn’t understand why I felt that the house was such a mess, when they thought it wasn’t.  It’s about reducing stress and clutter.  It’s about efficiency.  If I’m feeling overwhelmed and I look around the house and see papers and things everywhere, it stresses me out further.  And when someone does something, when they aren’t careful, it stresses me further.  Organizing and cleaning is a way of stepping back, going back to basics.  It doesn’t solve my problems, of course not. It allows me the time and space to work through my problems.  It slows me down.

It’s like the exercise done for some women recovering from abuse or other stressful situations, where she may feel like she is not in charge of anything, especially her own world.  This exercise involves her to come face to face with a horse with trepidation.  The horse senses her fear and becomes tense.  The woman is handed a brush and sent to go and fuss over the horse.  She is told to stand very close to the horse that way she is out of kicking range, but is warned she also has to make sure she doesn’t get stomped on.  Above all, she is told to watch for the signs of fear in herself, as the horse is sensitive to it and react to it.  They are both allowed to back away and regroup and try again until they are comfortable with each other.  Once comfortable, calm prevails.  The exercise is all about teaching the woman to center herself.  To get her to feel that she can take charge of something, has some means of control in her life.

And this is what I do with my cleaning sprees.  It’s about centering myself.  The simple routine allows for that.  In other words “wax on, wax off.”

And what is another big bonus in all of this?  A tidy house 🙂

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