Sit Still and Rest, Already!

“Every person needs to take one day away.  A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future.  Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence.  Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.  Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.”  – Maya Angelou

I’m overwhelmed with the amount of people who have contacted me, concerned for my wellbeing and have suggested that I just take a break and essentially enjoy the moment.  My heart is so full because of this.  They’ve pointed out that I’m constantly trying to grow, push forward and that I need to is just sit still for a while.  I thought I knew what that meant, that I could easily do it but when I tried to sit still, I quickly realized that I just don’t know how.  Seriously, I don’t.

As I continued to try, I felt more and more anxious and I felt I was starting to spin out of control.  So it was a good thing that I was scheduled to see my therapist.  We deconstructed what was going on, why I couldn’t do this, and what was going on in my mind to figure things out.  Let me tell you what I processed.  You already know that I’ve been feeling stuck and the reality is: I am.  I am stuck right here, right now.  I am in limbo.  The life I used to lead is almost coming to an end, and the life I’m trying to start hasn’t quite started yet so I’m stuck in between.  Add to that the anniversary of my marriage falling apart, and on top of that a heap of other things, needless to say, these past few days have been emotionally charged, or should I say, over-charged.

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So how do you sit with all of this?  How do you let things just play out and not try to interfere?  It’s friggin hard.  Especially when you’re used to having to do something all the time.  So I tried distracting myself with other things but that didn’t work.  I felt my mind wander and I caught myself getting frustrated with the way things were, and how I could push it ahead.  I tried to write about it but my mind was so cluttered that I couldn’t get my thoughts sorted enough to write, which made me even more anxious and frustrated.

The only choice I had was to feel it all.  E v e r y   s i n g l e    t h i n g  and that was brutal.  Every since feeling I had in me I had to feel in order to release myself from all of this.  Do you have any idea how painful that is? It was absolutely crazy.  I had to name every single thing that I was trying to avoid, was frustrated with, was feeling anxious about and was angry and sad at.  I felt as if I was being torn apart into hundred million pieces.  I found myself crying a lot, which is odd because I didn’t think I needed to cry.  After I cried, I felt better.  And then I cried some more, and then I felt better again.  This just kept going on and on, until I felt better, became centered once again.  I healed.

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It is interesting to find out that for me, sitting still is about listing to what my body and spirit are trying to tell me.  I’m learning about how the my body remembers things, even when my mind doesn’t, and that this could be the source to my anxiety, which is the case here.  The other night was Daddy night so I was planning to get my Christmas shopping done but I felt a heaviness in my chest, and my mind was foggy.  I felt my pulse racing.  The same symptoms I was feeling earlier on in the week.  So instead of shopping, I decided to go home.  I changed right into my jammies, had a light dinner and parked myself on the couch.  This far from normal for me.  I never get a chance to park myself on the couch, let alone watch tv. But I did it anyway.  I pushed away the feelings of guilt and selfishness, I listened and gave my body and spirit the break they needed. And it felt wonderful.  Absolutely amazing.

Have I been living up to this?  Am I continuing to sit still? I’m sure as heck trying.

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I’ve Been Gagged

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”  – Ernest Hemingway

He’s right. There is nothing to writing. It’s about bleeding all of what you’re holding onto out onto paper.  But figuring what you’re holding onto is the key.

To my dear readers,

As some of you may have noticed, I haven’t been writing much lately.  Actually, I was shocked to hear that its been quite a few weeks, as a few of my darling readers have pointed out. I honestly didn’t think it has been that long. Time does fly, and this truth is actually stinging quite a bit.

I hate to admit to this, but I’ve been gagged.

I’ve been wrapped up into myself lately – into my mind actually.  I’m not sure what has been going on and I’m trying to figure it out.  I just haven’t been able to write.  It’s not that I haven’t had anything to write about, I’ve had plenty, but for some reason I haven’t been able to put pen to paper.  Writing is cathartic for me, it’s soothing.   It helps me process my thoughts, especially the stuff that weighs me down, but lately I have been struggling to get even something small out to you.  Nothing would transfer onto the screen, and as a result I’ve felt very heavy, very drained.

I think this is what they call writer’s block.  But I really don’t know.  I’ve never experienced it before.

One thing I have observed these past few weeks is that writing is hard, but for me, not writing is even harder.  By not being able to write, these thoughts get really crammed into this brain of mine with nowhere to go, and they get squashed. There begins to not be enough room to hold all of these thoughts in and so I then get overwhelmed and more drained and tired.  And because I’m even more drained, then I have trouble to find the energy to write.  The vicious cycle begins and it’s difficult to stop.

To top it all off, then my faithful friends have turned on me – my words won’t come.  I so want to share the amazing things that I’m thinking of with you, but it’s like my mouth just can’t keep up with what is going on in my head.  And when I try to share them, it’s almost as if I’m speaking a drunken slur.  It’s hopeless.  I just want my beautiful words to come back.

I’ve tried different techniques to help me.  I’ve tried to walk away from the computer for a bit.  I’ve distracted myself with different tasks such as drawing, reading, listening to music, but nada.  I’ve tried exercising, meditating, speaking to my therapist, but no luck.

I have so many things I want to share with you.  As Maya Angelou said “there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”  So now I’m just going to try writing about not being able to write.  It’s torturing me not being able to write, and so with this I’m hoping to ignite that spark again.  I feel like a small piece of me is dying when I don’t write and I need to revive it.  I hate this hollow feeling I have inside of me, which I know is the part of me that thrives when I write that is missing.

I’m hoping that you will see more of me over then next few weeks.  But if you don’t, it’s not because I’ve forgotten you, or I’ve given up.  That’s far from the truth.

With love,
Smartie