“Every person needs to take one day away. A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future. Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence. Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for. Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.” – Maya Angelou
I’m overwhelmed with the amount of people who have contacted me, concerned for my wellbeing and have suggested that I just take a break and essentially enjoy the moment. My heart is so full because of this. They’ve pointed out that I’m constantly trying to grow, push forward and that I need to is just sit still for a while. I thought I knew what that meant, that I could easily do it but when I tried to sit still, I quickly realized that I just don’t know how. Seriously, I don’t.
As I continued to try, I felt more and more anxious and I felt I was starting to spin out of control. So it was a good thing that I was scheduled to see my therapist. We deconstructed what was going on, why I couldn’t do this, and what was going on in my mind to figure things out. Let me tell you what I processed. You already know that I’ve been feeling stuck and the reality is: I am. I am stuck right here, right now. I am in limbo. The life I used to lead is almost coming to an end, and the life I’m trying to start hasn’t quite started yet so I’m stuck in between. Add to that the anniversary of my marriage falling apart, and on top of that a heap of other things, needless to say, these past few days have been emotionally charged, or should I say, over-charged.
So how do you sit with all of this? How do you let things just play out and not try to interfere? It’s friggin hard. Especially when you’re used to having to do something all the time. So I tried distracting myself with other things but that didn’t work. I felt my mind wander and I caught myself getting frustrated with the way things were, and how I could push it ahead. I tried to write about it but my mind was so cluttered that I couldn’t get my thoughts sorted enough to write, which made me even more anxious and frustrated.
The only choice I had was to feel it all. E v e r y s i n g l e t h i n g and that was brutal. Every since feeling I had in me I had to feel in order to release myself from all of this. Do you have any idea how painful that is? It was absolutely crazy. I had to name every single thing that I was trying to avoid, was frustrated with, was feeling anxious about and was angry and sad at. I felt as if I was being torn apart into hundred million pieces. I found myself crying a lot, which is odd because I didn’t think I needed to cry. After I cried, I felt better. And then I cried some more, and then I felt better again. This just kept going on and on, until I felt better, became centered once again. I healed.
It is interesting to find out that for me, sitting still is about listing to what my body and spirit are trying to tell me. I’m learning about how the my body remembers things, even when my mind doesn’t, and that this could be the source to my anxiety, which is the case here. The other night was Daddy night so I was planning to get my Christmas shopping done but I felt a heaviness in my chest, and my mind was foggy. I felt my pulse racing. The same symptoms I was feeling earlier on in the week. So instead of shopping, I decided to go home. I changed right into my jammies, had a light dinner and parked myself on the couch. This far from normal for me. I never get a chance to park myself on the couch, let alone watch tv. But I did it anyway. I pushed away the feelings of guilt and selfishness, I listened and gave my body and spirit the break they needed. And it felt wonderful. Absolutely amazing.
Have I been living up to this? Am I continuing to sit still? I’m sure as heck trying.